Mr. P started work full time on Monday. It's a new job as a high school administrator. Which means long hours. And a big learning curve. And a decent amount of stress.
So naturally, it's been hard for the little Solo-boy and I. No more daddy around to entertain us and play with us and make the time go faster. We're on our own from 7:00 AM - 5:30 PM. I know I can't complain about this; many moms have it waaay harder. So I need to stop being such a wimp.
What's made the week super hard is Solo-boy's crazy sleep/wake habits. We transitioned to a big boy bed when we got back from vacation. He was obviously way too big for the pack n play. Poor little guy was squished in there like a sardine. But, let me tell you: I miss that thing! Now I have zero ways to confine my child. It's a bigger change than I anticipated. At first he was doing pretty well. A little harder to put to bed at night, but nothing too drastic. I figured with a little more time everything would be back to normal.
So, I thought, what the heck? Let's potty-train! (Do not ask me where I get these crazy ideas to do EVERYTHING at once.) My goal was to have Solo-boy potty-trained before his 2nd birthday. With all the traveling we did in July, I knew it would have to be potty-training boot camp as soon as we were back home. Thankfully, he's done GREAT. I am not even lying when I say we have not had a single accident since Day 1. He actually loves to go in the potty just to be able to flush. He wakes up dry from naps and in the morning.
In the morning.
This is where it has gotten hellish. Now, we all know my kid is an early riser. Both of us are as well, so it's in the genes. That's alright. We get by. 6:00, 6:30 a.m. is do-able. But 4:00freakingAM is so NOT ok. 5:15 AM. No can do. 4:50 AM Enough already! It's days like today, after almost a week of this madness, when I feel like I'm being tortured by my 2 year old. It sounds awful, but I wake up and I want another life. Just for a few days.
What I think happens is he naturally stirs around 4 or 5 AM. Then he remembers he can get out of bed now. And that he is supposed to pee in the potty. And then while he's up to pee he starts to feel that pang of hunger. And he's thirsty. And after all of this? There is no hope of getting him back to sleep. But he's also so overly tired he just wails on and off as we struggle through the morning.
You guys. I'm EXHAUSTED. I'm WORN OUT. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Is this normal? Is this to be expected when making the bed transition and the potty-training? And most importantly, is it short-lived? (Please, please say yes!)
To expound the hellish-ness that is this week, I found out I can no longer get my medication. Yes, you read that correctly. The medicine I'm on to help with anxiety and insomnia I can no longer get here in Mexico. Not good timing for the Solo-boy Sleep Boycott. I know I wanted to taper off soon anyway, but to have it forced upon you is never a good feeling. And to not be able to access it if I decide I need to? Is scary. I am down to 1/4 my original therapeutic dose and have about 7 nights worth of that, and then nothing.
I am seeing my former psychiatrist on Monday to talk it through and discuss options. I have this horrible fear that after working so hard to get to where I am, I will be hurled back right where I started. That place is not a pretty place. It is wracked with fear and anxiety, anger and self-loathing and sleepless nights.
A couple of nights ago, after putting Solo-boy back in his bed at 2 AM I started to panic. It's hard to explain, but I get images of everything closing in on me. It's awful. It's those moments when I miss my old life.
This is a total downer. I know & I'm sorry. I've been avoiding this post all week. But all I really know to do is to be honest. And hope and pray it gets better. And to wait for someone to say You Are Not Alone.