the last pill.

Every single night before getting ready for bed I took a pill. Sometimes it was round and white, sometimes it was oval and light blue, and sometimes it was a multi colored capsule. Over the years I would switch brands based on price, but it was always a pill, the same ingredients inside to keep me balanced somehow.

If you've read even a little of this journal, you know that when I became a mom, I lost so much. Yes, I gained an immense gift who has enriched our lives tremendously, but I also lost the person I was before. It's been a 4+ year long battle back to wellness. Within those four years I gained yet another gift-- this one did not flip my hormones upside down as drastically, thankfully in part to those little pills I so faithfully swallowed, and not for a day do i take that for granted.

There are many roads to healing, hundreds perhaps, and mine is just one small twisting alley way. But, my friends, this week I reached the end of something. I took the last pill. (After a 6 week tapering process) For now, anyhow, that part of my journey is over. It was time.

It's not to say I wasn't whole before, or that you can't be whole and well and also on medication, believe me... NO. That's not what I'm saying.

But, somehow, the absence of those little pills in my life is significant. It represents the person I was before they ever entered my life, the person they gradually helped me to rediscover, and, now, the person I am without them.

I feel like I'm hypothetically closing a chapter in a big, old, dusty book-- one with some pages browned and crinkled, edges torn, cover worn.

Today, like everyday I suppose, we begin again.

a tiny village in the mountains

There are some things that are just good for the soul. Whether it's the constant buzz of traffic in the distance that's bogged you down, or the clutter on the dining room table. An escape from daily life is necessary from time to time.

Fresh mountain air is one of those soul-foods for me. The sound of horse's hooves on cobblestone streets, and the smell of fresh baked bread in the morning wafting through the plaza as the sun rises above the vibrant brick cathedral... it slows you down.  Village life... there's not much else like it. Elderly men with canes teeter slowly through the alleyways, teenagers ride four wheelers in the middle of the street, huge, steaming pots of elote and atole tempt you on each street corner, & men push carts with barrel churned ice cream in various flavors for 50 cents a cone.

It was truly a gift for our family to share a quaint clay-roofed cabin for a couple of days. We built fires in the fireplace, we sipped hot soup, we played on the playground, we climbed the hugest rocks we've ever seen. And, as usual, we took half a million pictures.

Such a divine way to begin 2013.

Have a wonderful Monday! For us, this is the start of routine after a very long respite. Wish us luck!

2012.

January 1, 2013.

I'm finally taking some time alone, after a very wonderful Christmas surrounded by wonderful people. If I go too long without writing, it's as if the veins in my fingers are clogged and heavy, my mind swirling, unable to attach to a single thought.

So, I begin by looking back...

In January we were blessed with having my mom visit for three weeks, to offer extra hands to love the boys as we continued to adjust to life with two kids. It's hard to believe just a year ago this is what our little fireball looked like!

February was a difficult month for our little family as Solomon underwent surgery to remove his adenoids and tonsils. However, through it all we were amazed by his resilience and bravery. I'll never forget the day of the surgery - which was scheduled at 2PM - how excruciating it was to have to distract Solomon from his hunger. Because of the anesthesia he had to fast six hours. The look in his eyes as I held him and he begged me for a snack broke my heart. All I could do is say Thank you God Thank you God Thank you God that I have food for my sons.

In March I flew to Oregon BY MYSELF with both kids. (I don't recommend it.) We were surprised by a light dusting of snow, which is unheard of, as well as overwhelming doses of love from family. (here's my epic travel post)

In April my best friend got married...Rainer turned six months old... we said goodbye to Oregon, again, and Solomon mastered riding a bike sans training wheels.

In May Rainer gained mobility - thus changing our lives forever - as he could crawl everywhere & get into everything. It was also a turning point for his relationship with Solomon. Although Solomon would lose patience with him more, he would also engage and play with him more, becoming affectionate and attached to his baby brother.

This here blog also celebrated two years. May is always a significant month for me, as it reminds me of healing and how far I've come, as well as those who are currently in the trenches of suffering from mental health complications.

June, July, and August were sweet months filled with lots of family time, just the four of us. We stayed in Mexico and explored some of our favorite vacation spots just outside the city. The boys had a blast at the lake (where we captured the infamous jump into the lake that is the blog header picture), and of course we crossed a few things off our to-do list, like this ... which please read if you need a chuckle. :-)

Solomon turned four. <sigh>

In September my parents visited again. We celebrated Rainer's first year early, and my mom put together an AMAZING apple themed party for our little nugget!
I wrote this post pouring my heart out about being an outsider in this country - and I was blessed by the amount of love & support I received from readers & friends. I also reflected back on my second year "postpartum" & what remains from my first.

The fall brought more changes as Rainer started to walk/RUN, climb ALL THE THINGS, and, frankly, just grow up too dang fast. We spent Thanksgiving in California with my family and had a blast watching Rainer get to know his aunts and uncle a little bit better.  In December we did daily advent activities as we counted down to Christmas, which was so incredibly fun and memorable. Solomon made the holiday season more fun than I could ever have imagined it would be.

And now here we are. Beginning again. So much, so very much, to look forward to.

Happy New Year!

generations.

There is a little boy playing at my feet. He is obsessed with wet washcloths, and wiping down ALL THE THINGS.

He is just barely one. A lifetime, completely blank, empty, stretched out before him. He is the driver, the writer, the steering wheel, though he has no idea.

At the same time my grandmother is dying. She is a few thousand miles away, lying in her bed, wearing a diaper, and being fed pureed food. Her now frail body bore & raised ten children, and she lived to see some of her grandchildren grow up to begin families of their own. She is the embodiment of selflessness, endurance, persistence, grace.

My sons will never know her, or all of the sacrifices she made in order for them to write their own stories.

There is something mysterious, magical, awesome about grandmothers. Within their state of frailty is a strength we have not yet known ourselves. The road stretched before her is brief, and the one behind her is long, winding, full of inclines & declines, falling & getting up again, interwoven with stories that live on in our children, and in our children's children.

Marvel, my grandmother, a miracle, wonderful, extraordinary.
She suits such a lovely name.

( baby Solo, 2009 )

beginning again.

Freshly sharpened pencils. Crisp sheets of colored paper. Clean lunchboxes. New clothes and shoes. Nervous side glances and squeezes from small hands in doorways. 

My heart, once again, walking away from me. 

sleepy eyes at 7:45a.m.!

First days of school.

we surprised Solomon at pick-up with a matchy matchy lil' bro!

adjusting.

We're back.

We survived.

Solo finally started feeling better on Saturday after getting on antibiotics. I'm so thankful that Rainer and I have stayed healthy. Mr. P is hacking like a smoker, but he'll make it. We'll make it.

But, can I just say that I'm completely shocked by how this baby has affected Solo? When I was pregnant it was all he could talk about. He was SO excited. So loving. So curious. So ready...

I thought.

I honestly thought the transition would be seamless. Smooth. Easy.

However, these past few weeks have been... for lack of a better word... Whoa.

Behavior-wise, Solo has entered uncharted territory. Needless to say, we are at a loss of what to do and really missing our sweet, sensitive, kind and incredibly well-behaved three year old.

I guess it's time we paid our dues, since I don't think Solo had a single tantrum as a two year old. But, honestly? We are sad. We miss our boy. The outbursts are overwhelming, seemingly so out of character for our little guy, and we don't know how to react.

He has taken to random bursts of growling, screaming, yelling, sobbing, hitting, throwing himself on the floor. He has to sleep as close to Mr. P as possible, and if Mr. P gets out of bed early Solo wakes shortly after and refuses to go back to sleep. He's exhausted. Naps have been short, with him waking up completely distraught and overly tired. We have found him chipping paint off the wall, ripping up books, painting on the tile floor, and putting on the baby's clothes.

Yes, you read that right.

Patience is wearing thin. We want to give Solo room and space to express his emotions, but how do you even begin to teach a 3 year old to do so appropriately when his entire world has flipped upside down?

There is no doubt in my mind Solo loves his little brother. He is incredibly gentle and sweet with him. The outbursts are not directed at Rainer, thankfully, but they are obviously a reaction to his presence in our lives and how our family has changed.

So, there's that.

Our family has changed.

How can a three year old really grasp this? Cope with it? Accept it? Embrace it?

How can we help our little Solo deal with these emotions swirling around uncontrollably in his little body, mind, and heart?

I suppose there are not any concrete answers, but it's always nice to hear,

"I've been there."

"It'll get better."

"You'll make it."

"You are doing great."

Introducing Rainer Marco!

October 24, 2011

      10:00 am

7 lbs 15 oz (3.6 kg)

 20.5 in. (52 cm)

        Perfect.

ending. last. final. done. over.

The bags are packed. The car is washed, carseats installed. The lasagnas, soups, frozen.

The pantry is stocked, the laundry is folded, the rugs are clean.

Today is the end & tomorrow the beginning. Of more than I will ever know, of emotions I cannot describe, of reactions I cannot anticipate.

Excitement.

Anxiety.

Wonder.

Joy.

Curiosity.

Eagerness.

Impatience.

Fear.

Trust.

Hope.

Hope.

Yes, Hope.

The journey begins again. Walk with me, please.

flashback friday.

Solo, 2008.

Isn't he lovely? Isn't he wonderful? Isn't he precious?

Made from love.

I can't believe I'll have another one of these in just days.

Wow.

first days.

It's been a rough week. After parting with Nora, I was both sad and excited to have a couple of days with Solo entirely to myself before he started pre-school. Monday we stayed in our pj's for way too long, watched cartoons, and didn't drive anywhere. It was great... Besides the continual hitting and scratching and growling of which I was the victim of. What happens magically when your child turns 3 that turns them into mini monsters?!? I'm convinced it's some kind of cruel joke played on those of us who smugly thought we were home free with an angelic child. Hmph.

Yesterday was a repeat of the hitting and scratching and growling, except without the 3 hour nap. So, I'll leave the rest to your imagination.  All I kept thinking was pre-school could not come at a better time.  All of the sudden this child needs structure and discipline and some kind of stimulation that apparently I am not adequately providing. Somehow we made it through the day with a park visit, a trip to the play place at Burger King and the library for new storybooks. Needless to say he was snoring by 7:15 p.m. Sigh.

After a night of tossing and turning with first day of school jitters (that'd be me), today started out rough with Solo falling off the bed at 5:30 a.m. Mr. P & I felt absolutely awful. What a terrible way to start your first day of school! We pumped him with ibuprofen, a hearty breakfast, and let him pick out his outfit for his first day of school. He was rearing to go by 7:15 a.m., bringing me my shoes and literally pushing me out the door. He refused to go potty because he insisted he wanted to "pee in my classroom." That's enthusiasm, people.

My baby is not a baby anymore.

Saying bye to daddy in his office.VERY proud parents. VERY early in the morning.

Already running away from his teacher. That's our boy.I consider making it to 10:00 a.m. without being a teary mess quite the accomplishment. After giving Solo kisses goodbye at 8:00 a.m. when the bell rang, I went straight to our favorite park and walked the 3 mile loop. I got passed by several old men speed walkers, but other than that it was glorious. Now I'm at Starbucks chugging an Americano with cream and munching on grapes while surfing the interwebs. I've got a couple of hours to kill and can't go home because our cleaning lady is there.

I think I could get used to this.

Don't hate me.

Plus also?

Remember that in two months I'll have baby vomit in my hair and legs entirely too hairy and absolutely no free time.

Soaking it in while I still can.

Sunday morning thoughts.

As of Friday night my life got significantly easier. Nora's new family came to pick her up. She licked them to death while we chatted in our living room. She jumped eagerly into the back of their car, all the time and devotion I gave her out the window. Seeing the joy and anticipation on the two young girls' faces as they hopped in the car with their new pet made me smile inside. Last night they emailed us a picture of Nora passed out on their kitchen floor, right at the feet of the person doing dishes. Typical. 

This morning is the first time I really miss her. Solo woke at 6:30 saying he was hungry, so I went to get him a banana in the kitchen and took him to the bathroom. Shortly after he and Mr. P were snoring again. I'm in a quiet house, sipping coffee and writing these thoughts. There was no dog to greet me, no dog to feed or let out, no dog to collapse with a big sigh at my feet.

I miss her.

I know it will just be sad for a short while. Come October when I have a baby (eek!) I will have plenty of distraction, and I will be glad I have some reserve energy to spare. 

Tomorrow we will go to Solo's school to see what class he is in. We'll start learning his teacher's name, we'll finish gathering his school supplies, we'll practice zipping and unzipping his new backpack. Tuesday morning is a parent meeting and Wednesday morning he will start - bright and early at 8:00 am. My baby boy, my firstborn, my treasure. GOING TO SCHOOL!  A real school where they have a schedule and a calendar and progress reports and field trips. I hope, with all my heart, that he loves it. 

On Wednesday my life will get even easier. Much easier. Monday through Friday I will have mornings alone. No child. No dog. No schedule to follow. I am excited and nervous. I need to start making lists to fill my time so I don't get lonely or sad or plain bored. 

If you had mornings to yourself, what would you do? 

I know I want to dedicate some more time to this blog. That excites me to have quality time to do that. I also want to exercise more, and maybe tackle some new recipes. I want to organize the baby's clothes and sleeping/changing space. (Still have a lot to figure out in that area) Who knows? Maybe I'll pick up a book again! 

Happy Sunday!  

Monday.

If I had my old life - my pre mommy life - today would be my first day back at work after summer break. I would have reluctantly crawled out of bed at 6:30am, attempted to pretty myself, gathered all the stuff I set out last night - lunch, files, purse, and drove bleary eyed to school.  I'm sure it would have been a typical case of the Mondays x 10.

Instead, my life cycles without care to which day of the week it is. Mondays are the same as any other day, with the exception of bidding farewell to Mr. P. We get up when Solo gets up... which is usually when he decides he's done slurping and smacking on that delicious thumb of his... we eat what sounds good for breakfast. We wear what looks comfy to wear. Sometimes we shower, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we lounge in jammies and play trucks, sometimes we hurry to get out the door to a playdate. Always we are together. I like it this way.

As a full time working married person for 4 years before getting pregnant, I never imagined myself as a stay at home mom. I was never strongly against it, but I never envisioned it to be so fulfilling. I never pictured myself fitting into the role so snugly.

And now, with just over a week before Solo starts pre-school 5 mornings a week, I find myself treasuring our slow paced wake-ups. I find myself soaking up all the snuggles I can, and the silly conversations over our leisurely breakfasts. I find myself saying yes to each request for a bike ride at 8 am, the moment he pops out of bed. I know life will change ever so soon. A routine and a calendar and a schedule will define us like it never has before. I will have mornings to myself for a couple months. My life will be re-defined in ways I am probably not even aware of.

Until October.

When we start from the beginning again. And I hold a fresh baby in my arms. And I weep at the incredible gift, privilege, responsibility of raising him.

flashback friday.

I can't believe I'm about to have another one of these!

Solo,

circa 2008

a first time for everything.

Today I went to the chiropractor for the first time in my life. I'm pretty sure the volume of cracking shocked even the big Doc himself. He tried not to laugh, I'll give him that, but he did not succeed.

At the foot of my bed sits a small suitcase filled with neatly folded clothes and ziploc baggies and pills and vitamins. On Thursday at 5:30 am, I will load myself into a taxi, go to the airport alone, and fly across the ocean... alone.

At this very moment there is a rubber band holding my pants up. That is all.

On Wednesday night I will tuck Solo into bed, kiss his forehead, and not see him again for 15 days. I will relinquish all control and trust with all my heart that he is safe and happy in his daddy's good hands. (And hopefully eating more than cereal and crackers.)

Yesterday I was reading to Solo before his nap, "I'll Love You Forever," and his eyes became droopy and he drifted off to sleep at the sound of my voice. And I melted. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be...

These days I eat Apple Cinnamon Cheerios like it's going out of style.

On Thursday we went to see Morning Glory in the VIP theater (leather recliner, restaurant service, ahhh...), I ordered Nachos with the fake cheese and devoured them all - every single one - guiltlessly.

I am four pounds heavier than I was 2 months ago. And that is a happy thing.

A first time for everything, yes, yes there is.

decisions.

I feel bogged down by life right now. Not in a super bad way, just in a general-heaviness-way.

I think it's due to several major decisions that we NEED to make as a family in the next few days.

Days.

EEEK!

The decisions have to do with Solo-boy's care, my work status, my plans for next year, travel...

daunting.

overwhelming.

frustrating.

but also good. These are decisions that need to be made, so that our family can rest easy.

The twist?

I am finding it nearly impossible to come to any conclusions. I think and I analyze and I pray and I meditate and I think some more and I daydream and I talk to friends and and and....

I got nothing.

So, tell me, my dear friends. How do you do it? How do you make decisions? What am I missing? Why do I keep hitting a brick wall?

I am extremely glad that it is Friday, that Monday is a holiday here in Mexico, and I have three full days to wrap my mind around all of the pieces of the puzzle swirling around in my brain.

Send help.

(and chocolate. of the dark variety. specifically trader joe's would be nice.)

2011, yous a gonna rock!

Why, you ask? I'm in a list-y mood, so here are some reasons I came up with:

(apparently I'm also in an exclamation point-y mood!!...!!)

1. We are taking a family trip to San Francisco in February, partly paid for by Mr. P's employer - score!

2. Apparently there is a ginormous, like five-story Forever 21 in San Fran, so, yay! (Random side note/goal: 2011 is the year I'll become more fashion-sensical. Also? I think I just made up a word.)

3. Mr. P turns 30 in a few weeks ... which means he'll finally BE the age he's looked for years.

(totally kidding babe!!!)

4. Plans are underway for ... EUROPE! Trying not to get my hopes up, but it seriously just may happen this year. Squeeeeeeee!

5. We are also fitting in a vacay to see family in Santa Barbara this spring or summer, which is one of my favorite places on earth. I think Solo-boy is to the age that he can balance on my Grandma's white picket fence like I did when I was a kid. ::nostalgic sigh::

6. In May I celebrate my 1 year Blogoversary! What should I do to celebrate???

7. Summer in Oregon. Need I say more?

8. My niece is making plans to study abroad here in the Fall! Which means she would live here, in our city, for a few months. I can't quite wrap my mind around the awesome-ness that is this, but wow. That is all.

9. We've gone meat-free, starting week #3, and LOVING it. I am having a blast learning to cook vegetarian, being creative, and challenging myself in the kitchen. Plus we are feeling so much healthier, with more veggies in our systems.  Looking forward to much more of all of this goodness. Plus? New words in my vocabulary include soybeans, isolated soy protein and Gluconolactone. Who knew?

10. Solo-boy turns 3 this year, we will celebrate 8 years of marriage, I'll also turn 30, and hopefully at some point along the way there will be a bun cooking in my oven! 

 *edited to add: wow, this post is ridiculous. I do fully realize that. I may have been hopped up on caffeine at time of writing.

reflections.

This weekend has been an amazing breath of fresh, restful, pj pants-til-noon air. Much needed after a hard week with Solo-boy very sick, and all of us severely sleep deprived. I have had some time to reflect and process a lot that has been going on in my head and heart this holiday season. Some of it has to do with this blog, so I will share with you.

I have been overwhelmed by the materialism that seems to have swallowed the blogosphere whole these past months. There I said it.

And as I've been reflecting the past couple of days, I realize that I, too, have been swept away by it.

A big reason we re-located to Mexico was to escape the obsession with consumerism and "keeping up with the Joneses" that goes on in middle class America. When I started this blog about 7 months ago I wanted to be a voice of compassion, humility and honesty in the mommy blogging world. I wanted to be different. I didn't want to be sucked into the comparisons and competitions and materialism that seems to dominate the internet these days.

In some ways, I've failed.

I've lusted after the elaborate birthday party decorations and invitations that I cannot afford.

I've greedily wanted the boots and the sweaters and the beautiful bags the other moms wear.

I've been jealous of the glimmering Christmas trees and wreaths and piles of gifts.

I've oohed & ahhed over the baby gear and name brand outfits and kitchen sets and tricycles.

I even went as far as to start a weekly meme to point out all the things I want that I cannot or should not have. Let alone, do not need.

But, I am the first to admit that peeking into other people's lives is fun and even addicting. Browsing handmade items is alluring. And it's not wrong. I'm not saying any of this is wrong. I just feel FOR ME that the sparkly, shiny, lovely things & ideals & images I see over and over on the internet affect me more than I ever thought possible.

And I realize, upon reflection, that I don't want this blog to be about things. Or fashion. Or trends.

I want this blog to be about innermost thoughts & passions & dreams & hopes & authenticity, above all else.

And I haven't been very authentic. In many ways, I have. But I can do better.

What does this mean? 

Well, you probably won't see Steppin' Out posts for awhile (but I will still participate from time to time!) Again, there is nothing wrong with these posts. It's just time for a break.

And "Me Like Mondays" will change. As much as I love pointing you all to beautiful Etsy shops and links to lovely things I find or win on the Internet, that is not what is important here. Please bear with me as I figure out what Mondays here should look like.

I hope nobody takes offense to what I've expressed. It is deeply personal and certainly not meant to make anybody feel bad. I hope you believe me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Completely shifting gears...

Last week I was honored to be named by Katherine Stone of Postpartum Progress as one of the Top 10 Postpartum Depression Writers of 2010. Seriously, an honor.

Here is the link if you would like to see my name in the bright lights! The other women listed are amazing & you should check out their writing if you haven't already.

baby fever.

baby fever has struck.

solo-boy has a bad case of it. two bananas sitting on the counter, one is bigger than the other... he points to the bigger one and says "Mama." Then to the little one and says "Baby." Big smile.

friends of ours just had a baby 10 days ago. solo-boy is intrigued. the entire drive there and back he hummed in the back seat. "Baby. Baby? Baby! Baby. Baby? Baby!"

Playing with his trucks. Big truck = Daddy. Little truck = Baby.

we're at the beach last weekend. there was a baby sleeping in a carrier on the sand. Solo-boy approaches it and looks at me out of the corner of his eye "SHHHHH.... Baby."

He's killing me, people.

And last night? I cuddled my friend's 4 month old and I melted.

The ever present questions of timing and wisdom and patience envelop me.

But, you guys, I so want another chance at those tiny baby months. I would love to see Solo-boy be a loving big brother. I want to cuddle and cherish those early months now that I have the perspective of how quickly they are gone. Now that I know I will make it through, that I will be a good mom, that love will prevail beyond my wildest imagination.

I desire that chance to begin again.

Now we just need to work on my husband.

the epic nap, cantaloupe pizza and my little night owl.

did you know ever since the insomnia & anxiety hit and made me go sorta crazy i haven't been able to take a nap?

TWO YEARS.

i wonder if this is some kind of record?

anyways, today, September 2 will go down in history. I NAPPED. i didn't even mean to. i just laid down because i felt really sleepy (haven't been sleeping super well at night. shocker, i know.) and before i knew it i was startled awake by my piece of crap dog.

i was in shock.

i honestly thought my body or mind or both had forever lost the ability to relax enough to take a nap. i can barely fall asleep at night these days, even medicated. so this is breaking news. BREAKING NEWS.

i don't know if it's the new meds or the aha moment i had (see yesterday's post) about embracing motherhood and life one day at a time, but something is working. i think. i hope. anyway, i napped. and that is huge.

in other news....

Mr. P & i went out this week. we spent FOUR HOURS of uninterrupted time together. and we ate pizza in this adorable little italian restaurant. and said pizza had the most absurd combination of ingredients, yet wickedly delicious. Fresh basil, cantaloupe, raisins and jamon serrano (at least i think that's what it was!) I'm not going to lie; we ate until we were sweating olive oil. and we rode home on our motorcycle with the cool Guadalajara night breeze kissing our skin.

and we got home late (for me) and i didn't feel freaked out. i felt normal. like this is what normal people do. they go out; they eat; they get tired, then they sleep. hmm. interesting.

and since i'm in the mood for all these random updates, let me just say Mr. P is working SO HARD. like today i saw him for one hour in between the school day and night meetings. and that makes me kinda sad, but when there are meetings, there are meetings. such is life.

normally i would be all drained and exhausted (well if we're being honest, i kinda am), but people? me and my little sidekick rocked today. even though he took his nap 2 hours late (darn pre-k teacher lets him catnap at school!) i didn't really care. he stayed up til 9 pm and i used the extra time to tickle and snuggle and chase him around the house. and we fed each other big slices of juicy mango in my bed.

then we made our way to his room and he patted his pillow and said "mama." big smile.

"Mama, lay here beside me til i fall asleep."

and i did. and it was gold.

things i do now that i'm two

I go to Krispy Kreme.I jump rope at birthday parties.

I ate my first sucker.we discovered I'm an artist!my work of art.i got my haircut last night for school.i'm in pre-school! and i'm VERY brave