when a week goes by and I don't write in this space, i suffer.
my parenting suffers, my relationships suffer, my mental health suffers. i so desperately need this therapy; i need the words to seep out from within to find their proper home. life is wearing on me. the combination of a stressed out husband, a sick child, a teething baby, and no time to myself slowly chiseled away my patience until something inside me exploded.
in the dark, feeling so alone, feeling like i had not one drop of energy to tap, I grabbed Rainer and yelled into his innocent face WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! It had been almost two hours in the middle of the night at this point... feeding, pacing, rocking, tapping, shushing, almost falling over from exhaustion. as a mommy, i feel like i can't be exasperated. (though i am. we all are.) there is not the luxury of reaching the breaking point, but it happens, and there i was.
and then I crumpled in a ball on my bed, wailing, giving up. heaving sobs into my pillow, for no one in particular, but because my body did not have the energy to house them any longer.
there is nothing noble about my behavior. and it's not a surprise it came to that. my anxiety has been building, a gradual tightening inside. upcoming travel, holidays, inevitable winter illnesses, a baby that is so hard, there are moments when i doubt my ability to take even one more step forward.
so here i am in this space, where i often find myself when i think i can't possibly go on. onto small black squares with white letters, the combination of them all something magically healing, my fingers tap away these yucky thoughts, the negativity, the weariness that turns to despair.
i'm leaving with palms open, breathing deep breaths, knowing that just in the nick of time, i will receive something that's just barely enough for the next step i must take, feet heavy as they are.