Sometimes it's fun to browse the archives on this here blog. It's comforting to see how far we've come, the struggles we've overcome, the memories we now treasure. Next month I'll hit 3 years of blogging. 0_0
Almost three years ago I had just decided to start writing about my experience with postpartum depression, specifically as a foreigner here in Mexico. My writing started out shaky, sometimes downright pathetic, but they were words. My words. And I was putting them out there. I wrote for the first time about my c-section in May of 2010 (almost 2 years after the fact). The emotions were fresh. I am still surprised at the clicks that post gets, all this time later. There are moms who relate, who feel that shame, who feel less than. And it's still not okay with me.
Two years ago I was 10 weeks pregnant with Rainer, feeling incredibly sick and discouraged, surviving by a thread. (see: this post) I remember afternoons sprawled out on the couch, in tears, wondering what we were thinking when we decided to have another child. But there was a sliver of hope I held onto, knowing somewhere deep within that I was meant for this child, and he was meant for us. (We both knew it was a boy.)
One year ago, I was basking in the incredible difficulty and incredible joy overflowing in my life through my boys; the paradox of parenting. I had made it to the six month postpartum mark. It turned out I was okay. Heck, I was more than okay. We were thriving, me and my boys. I remember even though I felt great, it still seemed as though I was holding my breath, waiting for that invisible, hypothetical "finish line," so I would know we finally made it. As each month came and went, I felt us inching closer. Now, in retrospect, I cannot put my finger on a day, a week, or even a month when I felt I could finally exhale. It was a gradual process of becoming comfortable in our new normal, accepting my strengths and weaknesses, and then recognizing myself at the end of it all.
Oh, why, hello. There you are.
What a wild ride it's been.
And it's so very nice to be on this side of the "finish line."