I have written only briefly about my c-section. There is still a lot of pain associated with the experience for me. But more than pain, shame.
Do you see how this woman has one eye open and one eye shut? not only shut, but covered by her own hand.
This woman is me.
This woman is me, in Mexico, about to be a first-time mother. This woman is me, clueless, naive and scared. This woman is me, wanting to trust my doctor, but knowing deep inside she is wrong. This woman is me, closing one eye to the truth and doing what she is told. This woman is me, in resignation to what I thought was inevitable. This woman is me, suffocating with shame and regret.
A woman's intuition is a powerful thing. And when ignored, can result in regret that pierces to her core. I will never know if my c-section was the right thing to do. I will never know if my postpartum experience would have been healthy without it.
I will never know a lot of things.
It still hurts when people ask me about Solo-boy's birth story (Which I never share unless forced to). I'm still ashamed when they ask me how my labor was (I did not labor). I feel guilty when they share their stories of natural birth and bonding. I'm still scared at the thought of giving birth again in Mexico. I'm still worried about how to find a doctor I can trust. I'm still unsure if I can even do it at all.
And right now just writing this down? I feel guilty that I am even bothered by it at all. I have a healthy child who loves me. Why does it matter how he entered this world? I don't know.
But it does.
A woman's intuition is a powerful thing. And when ignored, can result in guilt that corrodes the purity of motherhood.
Mama Kat's writing prompt: Describe a moment when you ignored your intuition. What happened?
(& My confessions are here if that interests you.)