Yes, it’s true. I took an anti-depressant for over a year. It helped me tremendously. It had a large part in turning my life from desolation back to normalcy. And even beyond normalcy… for many months I experienced lots of joy and peace. Which, in the midst of my postpartum rollercoaster, I wasn’t sure was possible.
I am off said medication.
It hasn’t been easy. I was hoping to be able to report that my body was totally ready, that my mind was healed and that I transitioned with ease. But, in fact, it’s been rough. Mentally, I am pretty strong. I know in my mind I can do this. It’s the irrational thoughts that want to take over. That try to seep into my logic and reason. It's the insomnia that scares me most.
Thankfully, my doctor gave me a refill of Xanax. To get me through the rough nights. I’ve needed it more than I’d like to admit. Sometimes I hate myself for it. And I get down on myself and I wonder more than anything, why can’t I have my old self back? Why did this have to traumatize and change me so permanently?
I don’t have answers to these nagging questions. (because I don't think there are answers.) I don’t know why it has to be so hard. But it’s the road I’ve been given. It’s my journey. And I know I’ll come out stronger & better on the other side.
Fear is a funny thing, you know? It tries to tell us we have no control over it. That IT is in control. When, in fact, quite the opposite is true. I, however, have yet to figure out the trick to taming it and conquering it and dominating it into submission. (if you have, please do share.)
Anyway. That’s really it. I don’t have many words to say.
How are YOU all doing???