Sorry I've been M.I.A. lately. This week has been a bit of a roller coaster. It turns out I tapered off my meds way too quickly and now I am reaping the consequences (although I really had no choice than to do what I did). This means hours of tossing and turning at night, sobbing uncontrollably, and feeling like a dark cloud is following me around. But, really, what is most definitely the worst?
It's amazing the difference between 50 mgs of a white, powdery substance and 25 mgs. And then when 25 mgs becomes nothing, it is unbelievable what can happen in your mind and body.
Yesterday I felt like I was grieving. It's really the only way I can explain it. And to see the words here on the screen makes me feel ridiculous.
What are you grieving, Grace???
I am grieving how far I've come, and the feeling I have lost it. (I AM TWO YEARS POSTPARTUM, PEOPLE!!!) I'm grieving my healthy self, my former self. I'm grieving the mom I want to be, the mom I wish I was. I'm grieving the loss of what could have been.
And, compounded by the confusion of not feeling understood, of not knowing what to do or where to go or how to begin again, I am experiencing the loss in a very heavy, very frightening way.
Several of my readers have written me with words of encouragement, advice or empathy. It helps tremendously. I write this blog for many reasons. But one of the top ones? I desperately need the support. I am over 2,000 miles away from family and my closest friends. I am living in a culture that I still don't fully understand, by any stretch of the imagination. I have never felt more lonely or more lost than I have during this journey postpartum. But, I have also never felt more loved or more understood.
Yet again, another paradox.
I want to say this:
You are not alone.
You are not to blame.
You will be well.
And, yes, I think I am talking to myself.