When Mr. P & I agreed that it was time to try for another baby, one of the conditions was we would not go into it blindly. There would be a plan.
The very first item on the agenda was to read What Am I Thinking: Having a Baby After Postpartum Depression by Karen Kleiman.
After that it got a little bit gray and fuzzy. There were some arguments, there was definitely some doubts, especially at the beginning when I was couch-bound and pathetically hideous with morning sickness. Mr. P had moments of flashbacks and panic. We breathed. We slept. We woke up. (I vomited) We did it all again. There were tears. There will be more. I am not ignorant to that.
This pregnancy, thank you Lord, has already been different. Different as in easier. Maybe it's a combination of knowing what to expect, being wiser, being older, being distracted by Solo. I haven't had the hassle or stress of going to the 7-8 appointments required by the Mexican (free) health care system for employed women wanting maternity leave. That was number 1 on our list of changes to make to eliminate some stress during this pregnancy.
I also feel like I click more with my doctor. She is more personable, more laid-back, more kind. I trust her. That is important. That is something I overlooked last time.
Zoloft. I'm not ashamed to say we are still friends. I'm not taking chances this time. I know there are some risks involved with medication during pregnancy, but frankly, the risks of medication are much less than the risk I would run of our lives crumbling into pieces from my insistence on "toughing it out."
I'm sleeping. I'm smiling. I'm enjoying this pregnancy. (Except for the fat part. But that's for another day.) I haven't had any complications like I did with Solo (infections, galore). I'm thankful.
So far, so good.
I will choose a birth method that I am comfortable with and that is the best for ALL involved. Repeat cesarean? Amen & so be it. I'm not going to waste my energy stressing out over it all. I'm over that. I will not become worried and consumed with the paperwork involved to have a child here in Mexico. Insurance, birth certificate, dual passports, citizenship papers, report of birth abroad, vaccination card.... BLAH! It will get done in time. Whether it takes six weeks or six months, I. do. not. care.
I will ask for help.
Honestly, I think that pretty much sums it up.
Friends, if you are reading? Bring us meals. Offer to take Nora for a long walk. Schedule an evening with Solo at the park. Come over and fold our laundry. Hold the baby. Love on us. We need it. And not just for the first few days... but, the first few weeks... the first few months. We are fragile.
Family, if you are reading? We need you. Solo needs you. Come to help if you can. And when you are here? Please don't ask what to do, just look for what needs to be done. And if you hear me complain about Nora? Get her out of my sight immediately. If I start to cry, just hold me.
I will not travel at all for at least 8 months. I will be easy on myself and keep my expectations low.
I will communicate with my husband. I will listen to him when he shares his worries or concerns. I will trust him. If he sees red flags, I will go back on anti-anxiety meds, and it will be okay. I will trust him.
I will trust him.