I woke up with my sick baby 4 times last night, one of which included crying for almost an hour.

I'm so lucky.

My 3 year old still has coughing attacks, and we're not sure of all his food allergies, and it's often he doesn't sleep through the night. His tantrums are fierce and his mood swings unpredictable, but his hugs are gold and his kisses magic.

I'm so incredibly, inexplicably lucky.

Two boys, two perfect and beautiful boys, with their distinct personalities and needs and demands, with their growing love and attachment to one another that literally takes my breath away daily... Them. Entrusted. To me.

I'm so tired. So beat down-exhausted-haven't slept through the night in well over a year-drained. But, if I can look past the weariness and the daily nonstop demands - and today I CHOOSE to look past them - I see that what I have is incredible in ways even I can't wrap my mind around.

That I was chosen to be their mom, that they need me (which so often I complain about their need for me), their silky smooth skin and gummy smiles and contagious laughter and sparkling eyes.... given to me at a cost that sometimes feels unbearably & endlessly hard ...

and yet,

I'm so so unbelievably, undeniably lucky.

My God, how you've blessed me.

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My words today are born of the grief I feel for Diana and her heavy loss; a loss that my mind cannot fathom, explain, or understand.

This here was my very first {and awkward} post. Back then I think two people, maybe 3?, were reading. Now I think I'm up to the double digits.

In May 2010 I had just finished my master's degree in Counseling. I wanted something new to stimulate my brain, some adult interaction, and a creative outlet. This blog was born.

I was one year, almost exactly, into treatment for Postpartum depression & anxiety. I had a 21 month old "baby." I was struggling with the decision to expand our family. I still didn't feel recovered or healed & I was desperately looking for a community to connect with online.

Through this blog I found everything I was longing for, and much, much more.

I found an army of women who've been through the fire I survived.

I found incredible women & mothers to encourage and support me through my second pregnancy and my ongoing postpartum experience, round two.

I am blessed.

With Rainer, almost everything has felt different. I've had this blog to process and vent; I don't feel silenced. I have a support group; I don't feel alone. I have my past experience; I don't feel afraid.

It's hard as hell, don't get me wrong, but I'm making it. We're making it.

"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." {ephesians 6:13}

To Stand.

Two years later, three years into recovery from PPD, another baby born, I'm standing.

Thank you, all who are reading, from the bottom of my heart. You are a piece of that armor.

Reading: I just finished Bloom by Kelle Hampton (AWESOME) And started Operating Instructions: A Journal of my Son's First Year by Anne Lamott a few days ago... & I love it so far! I'm on an inspirational-memoir kick and I can't stop!

Watching: Ha. Hahaha. Absolutely zero time to watch movies or TV. I do, however, get in a few moments of Dora, Mickey Mouse, and/or Dino Train from time to time.

Working on: Taking better pictures. With our warmer weather we are outside all the time, and I've been inspired by the beautiful lighting and beautiful boys that surround me. I've captured a few gems recently!

Thinking about: Next year. I've been thinking about our friends who are leaving us this summer (especially Solo's lifelong best buddy). It makes me a bit sad to think about how next year will be quite different for us without them here. I read this post the other day and related on so many levels. If you ever have to say goodbye, you might relate, too.

Anticipating: This summer. (Who isn't?!?) We are just starting to talk & think about what we want to do with the four weeks Mr. P gets off in July. The beach? The mountains? Staycation in our backyard?

Listening to: TFDI - Slow it Down. Mr P found this song randomly & we can't get enough! We are also loving Robin Spielberg for instrumental, chill-ax background tunes.

Eating: Almond butter & celery, frozen cherries, tons of salad with goat cheese, pecans & cranberries, strawberry-banana-coconut soy smoothies, veggie stir-frys with Thai peanut sauce, Multi-colored quinoa from Trader Joe's (LOVE), and ice cream ice cream ice cream. It's hot here, people.

Wishing: I wish Rainer would sleep longer stretches at night. It would be nice to put him down at night and whisper in his soft, sweet ears, "see you in the morning, lovely boy." Unfortunately it's more like "See you in three hours, stinky face."

HAPPY MONDAY!!!

xo

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The idea from Currently posts comes from here.